On Enlightenment - Part I

Meditation. Panic. Raindrops. Nabokov. A four-part series, 12/3/2024 - 12/6/2024.

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For five years I meditated for thirty minutes every day, and I mean every day. Absolutely every day. By “absolutely every day” I mean, sure, maybe I would miss a couple of days a week.

In those days, I was never able to stop messing with how I meditated. I couldn’t settle on a plan of attack. You might think, “Well, that’s simple, Adam. I can help you. Just do the most basic thing. Count breaths.” (You use my name because you’ve heard this calms the anxious.)

So, I would count breaths from one to ten and start again at one. But then I would make it complicated. Do I count on the in breath? Or the out breath? Do I count the whole thing as two beats? Or both in and out in double-time?

When do I start the count? And when I lose my place and restart at zero, do I count the breath I’m currently in as one? Or is that a zero breath which stabilizes before we launch back in? Do I count the in as one and then try to think of nothing, just clear mind, no thought, on the out bre…