💸 Ask Tip! — "Confused in Kalamazoo"

Are you struggling with tipping? Resentful at the the till? Introducing our very own Tippi Pointier on navigating the 25% tipping economy with confidence and savoir-faire. Très generous! Très French!

“Confused in Kalamazoo”

Dear Tippi,

This morning I was in my local coffee shop. I practically live there these days. The Wifi is hi-speed, and if I get the table by the big plant, I can take Zoom calls without needing the “blur-the-background” feature. What’s more, I can work all morning for the price of a 12oz coffee. (I bring my “movie theater” Thermos for refills.) The point is they should know me by now and they don’t, but that’s not the “point-point.”

The “point-point” is that up until the moment I was paying for my coffee this morning, the barista was surly. It’s something I’ve noticed about people with tattoos that work with espresso. This surliness has been getting progressively worse, and instead of tipping with my usual “round up to the nearest dollar” strategy, I stood up for myself. This is difficult for me when tipping, but your advice has meant “la monde” to me. I hope I wrote that correctly.

In any event, I decided to “round down.” All the way down. My tip for the $4.28 12oz coffee - entirely different issue - came to exactly 0¢.

Now, here’s where things got confusing. Immediately before I flipped the tipping machine back, the tattoo artist gave me a warm smile and asked how my day was going. Not a question that is her business, but that isn’t the point.

The point-point is what should I do when the friendly welcome comes AFTER I leave a smaller tip? Isn’t it the barista’s obligation to be hospitable pre-tip? Should I have pulled the tipping machine back and said I wanted to try again? I’m certain an apology would be too much.

Confused in Kalamazoo

Cher Confused in Kalamazoo,

You’ve made some débutante mistakes here, but with my advice you stood for yourself. I commend you, although permit me une bonne correction. You claimed your $0 tip was “smaller.” Non!

Smaller is not 0¢. The two are as far apart as Marseille and Paris. Although “rounding down” is very Parisian of you. 🇫🇷

It may give you un petit “chuckle” to know that I’m writing this in an airport café in Marseille, and I’ve been here since 6:30. It is now 13:30. Your Thermos idée was brilliant. A French word. Brillant, pas Thermos.

Maintenant, to your point-point. I have two candidate tipping rules to choose between: “If There’s Lip, No Tip” or “Pas de Seduction? Donc Reduction.” Let’s consider them de près. Because the barista didn’t speak to you during the encounter entiere, then this is truly a question of la seduction and pas une question de levre.

Généralement, I refer my readers to Tippi’s Tipping Tables, but here I include the café counter mathematics because you’re clearly so unfamiliar with my The 25% Tipping Economy.

Alors,

Premièrement, one finds the default 25%. One takes the total price, subtracts the sales tax, subtracts miscellaneous surcharges - an imitation French word - and multiplies by .25. One now has the “base tip.”

From here one establishes the penalty.

Précisément, each second of direct insolence is a percentage point. Five seconds of “cold shoulders” will bring the tip down to 20%. (Any barista with neck tatouage will turn away from the customer before five seconds.)

Calculez the base fee:

(4.28 - 4.28 X .06 (Kalamazoo local and state sales tax) - WiFi charge (unlikely) ) = $4.02

Calculez the base tip:

$4.02 X .25 = $1.005

Calculez the Seduction Deduction (assuming barista with tatouage toujours <= 5 seconds):

$1.005 - ($4.02 * 5%) = 15¢

Subtract the Seduction Deduction from the Default 25%:

$1.005 - .20¢ = 92¢

“Easy-peasy” et voila! I am criticized by my American competitor for “horseshoes and hand-grenades mathematics,” but my readers find they serve their purpose.

Mais oui, ma chérie.

Hélas, rereading your letter, I find I have not answered your fundamental question, but the Les Marseillais horrible are kicking me from their airport café.

À bientôt!

Votre maîtresse et serviteuse,

Tippi “Tip” Pointier

Les conseils are worth ce qu’on paie! — Advice is worth what you tip for it!

Venmo: @tippi-pointier — Our recommended 25% = 92¢

Mais oui, ma chérie!

Ask Tip! Reader Challenge!

And now the weekly challenge for my readers! Let me know how you would respond, and I will tip you comme if faut! Mais oui, ma chérie!

“Fuming from the Funeral”

Dear Tippi,

My brother-in-law passed last week, and a tipping incident occurred after the funeral that left me in tears at the cemetery. I live in Brooklyn, and parking is a challenge on the best of Saturdays, but the day of Henry’s funeral there was a marathon and parking was extremely challenging. Even with a sign clearly posted in front of the mortuary, the parking space was taken. Try finding a parking spot large enough for a hearse in Brooklyn. This is an outrage, but it only gets worse.

My brother-in-law’s funeral clock was ticking. After several rotations around the block and holding up the service, we had to use valet parking at an upscale restaurant across the street. After the services, I went to retrieve the hearse.

A short fellow in a red baseball cap brought it back and parked in front of the mortuary. The parking space just wide enough had cleared up by then, but after we loaded my brother-in-law into the rear of the vehicle — which took some finesse — I noticed that the parking valet remained standing by the driver’s door. He made it quite clear he was expecting a tip, nearly blocking my husband from entering the vehicle.

To me this is outrageous, but I’m still not sure whether I should have tipped him. I find the rules of tipping — if there even are any — to be worse than confusing. I’m still not sure if I was weeping at the gravesite for Henry or about the incident with the valet. Can you help?

Fuming from the Funeral

Ça alors! Take it from here my dears! J’adore vos reponses! And please share your Venmo in the comments so I can tip you back!

A 25% gratuity for the winning answer will earn you $1.17

Mais oui, ma chérie! Au revoir!