💸 Ask Tip! — "Angry at Amazon"
An Amazon Prime member purchases a tipping card. I'll stop there.
“Angry at Amazon”
I purchased a $9.98 TIPPING CARD from Amazon, and I either I am not operating my “wallet-sized” piece of paper correctly, or I have been grossly misled. Here is the exact tipping card description from the Amazon page with commentary. I tried to mark everything simply TRUE or FALSE but almost immediately was unable.
“You will definitely love these Easy Tip Card for Wallet or Pocket”
“You will receive 2Pcs tip cards”
THIS WAS THE SHOT ACROSS THE BOW
THIS WAS THE SHOT INTO THE BOW
“Tip Amounts Card is an easy thing to realize that tipping is easy”
WHO WROTE THIS, PLEASE?
“Rather than trying to calculate how much money is fair…”
TYPEFACE SO SMALL HAD TO SHOW THE TIPPING CARD TO THE BUSBOY.
PLEASE GUESS HOW WELL THAT WENT.
“If you're afraid of embarrassment and want to figure out how much to tip…”
TIP 15% IN NYC AND YOU ARE GOING TO LEARN ABOUT EMBARRASSMENT.
“… now all you have to do is check the wallet or pocket card Tip in your wallet”
IT’S A LITTLE DARK IN THERE
I’VE REACHED OUT TO CUSTOMER SUPPORT
“The Tip Calculator Wallet Card For Restaurant is made of high quality plastic”
FALSE. THEY SHOULD BE
“HIGH QUALITY PLASTIC”
THIS IS WRITING ITSELF
“which is easy to fit in your wallet”
“YOUR YELLOW TIP CARD IS BLINDING US OVER HERE, AND WE’RE TRYING TO ENJOY OUR DINNER, M’AM.”
“… not easy to bend and deform…”
STOP RIGHT THERE.
TIPPING CARD ARRIVED BENT, AND I HAD TO BEND IT BACK ON THE WAY UP THE STAIRS TO MY 2ND FLOOR APARTMENT.
3 SECONDS TOPS
“…and can be used for a long time”
IF YOU STARTED COLLECTING TIPPING MEMORABILIA IN 1963
“Brand new credit cards tip card that show 15%, 18% and 20% tips”
NOT THAT BRAND NEW.
FOR TIPPING CALCULATIONS THE YEAR THEY INVENTED
THE SLIDE RULETHE ABACUS
“Tip Card for Wallet or Pocket is perfect for teens…”
ON WHAT PLANET? WHO WROTE THIS? I NEED TO SEE A PICTURE OF THEM.
“… who are just learning how to go to a restaurant with friends…”
YOU CLEARLY HAVE NOT MET MY DAUGHTER OR HER EXPENSIVE LITTLE FRIENDS
FIND ME ONE RESTAURANT IN NYC WHERE A CHECK FOR ANYTHING INVOLVING EVEN A HAMBURGER IS LESS THAN $100, AND I WILL BECOME YOUR EAST COAST DISTRIBUTOR, AND I WILL THROW IN WALLET-SIZE CALENDARS FROM 1957
“… and handle tips appropriately”
IF YOU CAN READ FINE PRINT THE SIZE OF SAND
“restaurant nail salon delivery”
NO, REALLY, I WASN’T KIDDING: SHOW ME THEIR PICTURE AND YOU DON’T HAVE TO RETURN MY $9.98.
“SWEETHEART, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WALLET? I’M OFF TO THE NAIL SALON.”
YOU WILL NEVER HEAR THAT.
“These tip cards can be used as gifts for your sons and daughters.”
IF MY DAUGHTER CARRIED A WALLET AND WORE A CANDY CANE TIE WHICH SHE DOES NOT AS FAR AS I KNOW, BUT WHO THE HELL KNOWS ANYMORE
TARGET GIFT OCCASION NOT INDICATED.
PLEASE, PLEASE TELL ME NOT “APRIL 15.”
“It's the same dimensions as a credit card--but thinner to take less space in your wallet or pocket”
HOLY BENATAR, BATMAN! HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST SHOT!
請了解主謂一致。不要過去。不要收取 100 美元
“Do not pass go. Do not collect $100.”
“It's printed on waterproof plastic--not on laminated paper like cheaper versions.”
WHAT CHEAPER VERSIONS? PLEASE ADVISE.
OH, WAIT. I FOUND A BLUE ONE FOR $4.99
AND A RED ONE FOR $5.49 BY THE SAME COMPANY AS THE YELLOW ONE FOR $9.98.
THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT
“It's made in the U.S.A. and won't fade or stain with use.”
YOU GUYS ARE GOOD. I’M ON THE SALES ROPES. BRING IN YOUR CLOSER.
ON A PLANET WHERE PLASTIC IS MADE OUT OF LAMINATED PAPER
3.5” * 2.8”
ON A PLANET WHERE THE RATIO OF 3.5” X 2.8” = 1 ¾” X 2 ¾” (ACTUAL MEASUREMENTS)
“Frequently bought together” (Amazon informs me)
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NOT GOING TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD ANYTIME SOON
OR NEED TO
OR WANT TO
Please tell me you have nothing to do with this, Tippie.
Angry at Amazon
Tippi will be on business travel in Guangdong Province through November 16th and unable to respond to her readers.
She will have an exciting announcement for her Venmo tippers on her return, but we can’t reveal anything yet.
Speaking of which there was something else she meant to tell you.1
The Weekly Ask Tip! Reader Challenge!
Et maintenant, the weekly challenge for my beloved readers! Let me know how you would respond to Angry at Amazon, and I will Venmo a $1.14 tip for la meilleure réponse, comme if faut!
Laugh at something. Roughly twice a month. The rest of the time it’s pretty grim around here.